Letter to Gloria De Piero MP ( Mental Health )
How do you start by attempting to say how you feel and what your going through? It's so difficult and embarrassing for me to talk about my Mental Health, having to this day kept my illness a secret from my family and friends all my life.
I do know its something that controls my life, it's a force a powerful one at that and no matter how much good professional support I'm receiving that dark gloomy cloud always comes over and strikes to the heart of me and then comes all my mixed emotions, anxiety and the voices in my head which confuses me and I lose all sense of reality. Fear is a big word for me, it's constantly getting more difficult to cope with and kicking in touch all these emotions and thoughts that go round and round in my head day and night. Fear that my only safeguard of wanting to carry on is my parents, not wanting to put them through the hurt and pain of me taking my life. And yet having had close calls recently of wanting to end it all with out a thought to my parents is very scary.
All i do know it stems back to my childhood and what happened to me over a period of a year or so and the knock on affect that has caused me ever since. It's only recently with my so supportive social worker Sam at the mental health hospital have I started to talk about things. Thirty years it's taken me to get to this point, 30 years of keeping it all in and living with the pain and hurt each and every day. Sam is the only person I trust in my life and comfortable with. Its taken a long while to get to that point but I can and have started to open up to her about my past slowly safe in the knowledge she always listens and never judges me. We all need that special person in our life like that.
At times I have no idea what's going on in my head and why I feel so empty, confused and how come I've got this illness? I'm tired, so tired of pretending when I'm out and about to be happy, any person walking by me really doesn't know just how difficult it is to keep this performance up, the reality is if you looked inside me you would find someone who is desperately depressed and falling apart. I'm tired of crying inside and crying when I'm alone in my flat when the door is shut and locked, and I'm now breaking down in public at times.
It's draining me and very exhausting. Irrational thoughts that people are following me, talking about me lead me to always be on my guard, I'm always aware when I'm around people, don't like people to close to me invading my space. I buy things and throw them away new, run up credit, go weeks eating very little or do the complete opposite. And an addiction to co-codamal pills is a comfort for me. I'm told its all part of self harming. I shut myself away at home, shut everyone out, windows closed trying to keep out all the voices I hear, never works they are always there where ever I go. I've ruined my relationships, Jobs and at the age of 43 I have no prospect or future. I've moved from place to place all my life, never had somewhere I can really call home.
Have recently moved back to the town where I grew up. I constantly visit places with in town where I messed about or hung out as a child. Memories come flooding back and I feel safe in these places for some reason. I will spend nights sleeping in the local park or cemetery.
Being sectioned was meant to have helped me, made life easier for me, to take those little steps day by day and get some sort of life and enjoy it. I'm sorry to say its made me worse having come out from being sectioned. It was a horrible experience, the worst I've had. Walking up and down the corridors each day, sitting inside your small room feeling like your in prison. Very little activities to help relieve the day to day boredom and sad to say some very uncaring mental health workers looking after us. It must be said 99% of them in the hospital were wonderful workers.
I know what many people will think, just end your life or your so selfish in putting loved ones through the torment of wanting to end things, my answer is this I could never want to hurt people around me, I don't want to end my life for a selfish purpose, it's simply the only way I feel I can ever rid of these demons at times that are torturing me. I see a psychologist every week and Sam my social worker. I am now receiving less support than I was due to staff cut backs etc, and that impacts on my recovery and others as well. And you can also see the low moral of the staff at times. I don't know what the immediate and long term future holds for me. All I do know its a horrible illness and ruins my life and many others. But I do know It's very scary trying to battle through each day of not taking ones life which keeps swirling around my head. It's not to much to ask to be happy is it?
As vice chair of the All Party Group for Mental Health I'd love to know what your doing in trying to help people like myself get the right support and access to all the proper services which have been cut back by local authorities. And also what provisions are in place in giving the staff who care for us the best support they need as well for their wellbeing. I'd love to come and address the all party group or come up and speak to you about my experiences and views etc. My only escapism from this illness is walks in the country, big open fields, places of peace really. And I occasionally like to blog. Not very good at it but it helps me. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
Tony
I do know its something that controls my life, it's a force a powerful one at that and no matter how much good professional support I'm receiving that dark gloomy cloud always comes over and strikes to the heart of me and then comes all my mixed emotions, anxiety and the voices in my head which confuses me and I lose all sense of reality. Fear is a big word for me, it's constantly getting more difficult to cope with and kicking in touch all these emotions and thoughts that go round and round in my head day and night. Fear that my only safeguard of wanting to carry on is my parents, not wanting to put them through the hurt and pain of me taking my life. And yet having had close calls recently of wanting to end it all with out a thought to my parents is very scary.
All i do know it stems back to my childhood and what happened to me over a period of a year or so and the knock on affect that has caused me ever since. It's only recently with my so supportive social worker Sam at the mental health hospital have I started to talk about things. Thirty years it's taken me to get to this point, 30 years of keeping it all in and living with the pain and hurt each and every day. Sam is the only person I trust in my life and comfortable with. Its taken a long while to get to that point but I can and have started to open up to her about my past slowly safe in the knowledge she always listens and never judges me. We all need that special person in our life like that.
At times I have no idea what's going on in my head and why I feel so empty, confused and how come I've got this illness? I'm tired, so tired of pretending when I'm out and about to be happy, any person walking by me really doesn't know just how difficult it is to keep this performance up, the reality is if you looked inside me you would find someone who is desperately depressed and falling apart. I'm tired of crying inside and crying when I'm alone in my flat when the door is shut and locked, and I'm now breaking down in public at times.
It's draining me and very exhausting. Irrational thoughts that people are following me, talking about me lead me to always be on my guard, I'm always aware when I'm around people, don't like people to close to me invading my space. I buy things and throw them away new, run up credit, go weeks eating very little or do the complete opposite. And an addiction to co-codamal pills is a comfort for me. I'm told its all part of self harming. I shut myself away at home, shut everyone out, windows closed trying to keep out all the voices I hear, never works they are always there where ever I go. I've ruined my relationships, Jobs and at the age of 43 I have no prospect or future. I've moved from place to place all my life, never had somewhere I can really call home.
Have recently moved back to the town where I grew up. I constantly visit places with in town where I messed about or hung out as a child. Memories come flooding back and I feel safe in these places for some reason. I will spend nights sleeping in the local park or cemetery.
Being sectioned was meant to have helped me, made life easier for me, to take those little steps day by day and get some sort of life and enjoy it. I'm sorry to say its made me worse having come out from being sectioned. It was a horrible experience, the worst I've had. Walking up and down the corridors each day, sitting inside your small room feeling like your in prison. Very little activities to help relieve the day to day boredom and sad to say some very uncaring mental health workers looking after us. It must be said 99% of them in the hospital were wonderful workers.
I know what many people will think, just end your life or your so selfish in putting loved ones through the torment of wanting to end things, my answer is this I could never want to hurt people around me, I don't want to end my life for a selfish purpose, it's simply the only way I feel I can ever rid of these demons at times that are torturing me. I see a psychologist every week and Sam my social worker. I am now receiving less support than I was due to staff cut backs etc, and that impacts on my recovery and others as well. And you can also see the low moral of the staff at times. I don't know what the immediate and long term future holds for me. All I do know its a horrible illness and ruins my life and many others. But I do know It's very scary trying to battle through each day of not taking ones life which keeps swirling around my head. It's not to much to ask to be happy is it?
As vice chair of the All Party Group for Mental Health I'd love to know what your doing in trying to help people like myself get the right support and access to all the proper services which have been cut back by local authorities. And also what provisions are in place in giving the staff who care for us the best support they need as well for their wellbeing. I'd love to come and address the all party group or come up and speak to you about my experiences and views etc. My only escapism from this illness is walks in the country, big open fields, places of peace really. And I occasionally like to blog. Not very good at it but it helps me. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
Tony
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